Wednesday November 23, 2011
The only thing I remember about this day is my drive home from the hospital. I had spent most of the day at the hospital and I was driving home late at night. I was all alone, the music was on and all of a sudden it hit me. I finally came to the realization that Andrew would never walk out of that hospital again. He would never drive a car again and never listen to music again. I rolled down the window and felt the wind on my face. I felt so alive. I felt so wonderfully alive but so deeply heartbroken by the fact that Andrew was dying in his hospital bed. It was devastating and I cried all the way home.
Friday, November 23, 2012
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Tuesday November 22, 2011
More of the same today- back and forth. Spending as much time as I could with Andrew and always surrounded by friends and family. It was trying to switch between mom mode and sister/adult mode. The guilt hung heavy and pressed down hard. I wasn't really there for my kids and I wasn't really there for Andrew. I felt like I wanted to do more for both parties, but always felt like a failure. But there was no other option than to keep showing up and putting one foot in front of the other. There was no normal and every day and moment looked different. I knew we would survive and I knew my kids would be okay. But hospital living is not for the faint of heart. The parking, the elevators, the doctors and nurses, the machines and meds, the hospital lunchroom- it is a battlefield that nobody is comfortable with or enjoys.
Monday November 21, 2011
I don't remember much of this day other than I did lots of shuffling around- I was always going between dealing with my kids and spending time at the hospital. Wonderful friends like Kristen, Claire and Carrie all helped to care for my children so I could spend time with Andrew. Tyler would bring Sonja to the hospital so I could nurse her and we were in a constant state of passing kids back and forth. Andrew was moved from the ICU to 12 East on this day. The nurses were so good to us and gave us a double room. Not only is our immediate family so big but there are so many people that love Andrew. People were always coming and going- stopping by to say hi and spend time with Andrew. They would bring us food and make sure we had what we needed.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Sunday November 20, 2011
When morning finally came on Sunday we awoke to nurses telling us to come see...Andrew was awake, sitting up and looking fairly like himself. The doctors had pumped him full of drugs the night before and all the fluids and meds had given him a big boost. He was chatting with the nurses and was reading his blog on on his iPad. He told us that he didn't know what was going on so he decided to read his blog to find out what happened to him - he said it was like reading a newspaper. He was joking and in good spirits. In the blog post I had written about him the night before, I had described his state as "critical" and he asked me why I said that. My heart broke - he either had no idea that he was dying or he just had so much hope he wouldn't believe it. But I had to joyfully tell him that it wasn't a big deal and that we were just really worried about him last night because he wasn't feeling well. I saw in his eyes that he knew I wasn't telling the truth. He had a sort of scared look, but didn't want to come to terms with it. Andrew's social worker and chaplin, with whom he was very close to, both advised us that Andrew needed to die with hope in his heart, so it was not up to us to give him the hard facts. It was what he wanted and we complied. We were, however, joyful that he had made such a turnaround. We really feel like Andrew gave us this last week to be with him all together.
It ended up being a really peaceful and meaningful day. Andrew decided he needed a haircut so we called his barber in to cut his hair. He needed the dignity to feel like himself. His barber friend even agreed to allow Andrew to pay for his haircut. I think it again helped him feel normal and that maybe everything would be ok. Andrew's closest friends gathered for Sunday football and Aunt Ingrid and others came and showered us with sandwiches and food. It was a fun and festive time for Andrew - to get to watch football with his buddies. I spent most of the day between his room and our private family room. The day was a gift - Andrew was talking, watching football and surrounded by those who loved him.
It ended up being a really peaceful and meaningful day. Andrew decided he needed a haircut so we called his barber in to cut his hair. He needed the dignity to feel like himself. His barber friend even agreed to allow Andrew to pay for his haircut. I think it again helped him feel normal and that maybe everything would be ok. Andrew's closest friends gathered for Sunday football and Aunt Ingrid and others came and showered us with sandwiches and food. It was a fun and festive time for Andrew - to get to watch football with his buddies. I spent most of the day between his room and our private family room. The day was a gift - Andrew was talking, watching football and surrounded by those who loved him.
Monday, November 19, 2012
Remembering
I'm going to take some time this week to walk through this time last year - when Andrew was admitted to the ICU and died 8 days later. This is a true account of what happened, no exaggerations or dramatic statements. Not exactly a perfect holiday cheer blog post -but this is my real life.
Friday November 18, 2011
It had been about a week since I'd seen Andrew, I had spent some time with him in Fort Langely, BC where he was receiving treatment. I was having a normal-ish day and needed to grab a baby shower gift for a friend's shower the next day. I had both kids and was standing in the middle of Along Comes A Baby when my phone rang. It was Ashley calling and I knew right away it wasn't good. My heart fluttered and for a split second I thought that if I didn't pick up then it wouldn't be true. I answered and Ashley told me that, sure enough, Andrew's condition had drastically changed and that she needed either Tyler or myself to come right away and help her. Within a few minutes I was on the phone with Tyler and within an hour he had left his office, grabbed his passport and was in Fort Langley. Tyler and Ashley carried Andrew out of the house, down the stairs and into her car. She drove him to Swedish in Seattle and he was soon admitted to the ICU. I spent the afternoon and evening at home, trying to stay calm and on the phone with family for hours. I spent my Friday night making "the phone call" to Rachel. Those are never fun. I told her to please sit down and then went on to tell her Andrew was in the hospital and all the details that came. Those are moments you swear you've seen on TV or in a movie but then all of a sudden you are thinking to yourself, this is really happening right now! Very surreal.
Saturday November 19, 2011
We woke up Saturday morning pretending it was going to be a normal day. I'm not really sure what we did that morning but we had lunch, put Sonja down for her nap and I was getting ready to attend my friend's baby shower. I literally opened my front door, took one step outside and my phone rang. Again, heart flutter, hesitation, thinking...I'm just going to not answer and go to this baby shower BECAUSE I JUST WANT EVERYTHING TO BE NORMAL. But alas, I answered within a few seconds and my mother was on the other line, crying, telling me the doctor told her that Andrew is quickly dying. I walked back inside, told my mom we'd be there soon and hung up the phone. I stood in the kitchen and let my head fall into the cupboard as I began to wail. Tyler was by my side and within one hour we had packed, woken Sonja from her nap and were in the car driving to Seattle. Tyler drove, the kids were stunned and confused in the backseat and I sat in the front with two phones - on the phone with family on one and looking up flights on the other. Nobody wanted to tell Sarah what was going on, as she was in the middle of finishing her fall quarter finals of freshmen year. I knew in my heart that she needed to know and be home, so I again had to make "the phone call" and had to carefully explain to my baby sister that she needed to pack her bags, not worry about her finals and please get to the airport because I was buying her a ticket to come home that night. Texts and phone calls were going out, altering friends and family to what was going on and by the time we got to Seattle my good friend was at my mom's to watch the kids so we could go to the hospital. Tyler and I made our way up to the hospital and bumped into family, friends, people coming to say their last goodbye. We all were stunned and couldn't believe that this "was it". Walking down that hall in the ICU and into his room and seeing him hooked up to every machine is again, something you will never forget. The room was dark and quiet, except for the beeps of the machines. We spent a few hours there, talking to Andrew, even though he was in and out of it. At some point I went home, nursed my baby then went back to the hospital. Rachel and Sarah were picked up from the airport late that night and when they arrived we all let out a huge sigh of relief. They made it. In time. Those moments were sacred. All of us together, as a family. Close friends came and we all stood around Andrew trying to make sense of it all. Next door to Andrew's room was a private family room they gave us, so my mom, sisters and I spent the night in the chair, couch and on the floor. We hardly slept but we couldn't leave. When I would drift to sleep I would awaken with a fright, wondering, "is he still here?". It was perhaps one of the longer nights of my life.
Friday November 18, 2011
It had been about a week since I'd seen Andrew, I had spent some time with him in Fort Langely, BC where he was receiving treatment. I was having a normal-ish day and needed to grab a baby shower gift for a friend's shower the next day. I had both kids and was standing in the middle of Along Comes A Baby when my phone rang. It was Ashley calling and I knew right away it wasn't good. My heart fluttered and for a split second I thought that if I didn't pick up then it wouldn't be true. I answered and Ashley told me that, sure enough, Andrew's condition had drastically changed and that she needed either Tyler or myself to come right away and help her. Within a few minutes I was on the phone with Tyler and within an hour he had left his office, grabbed his passport and was in Fort Langley. Tyler and Ashley carried Andrew out of the house, down the stairs and into her car. She drove him to Swedish in Seattle and he was soon admitted to the ICU. I spent the afternoon and evening at home, trying to stay calm and on the phone with family for hours. I spent my Friday night making "the phone call" to Rachel. Those are never fun. I told her to please sit down and then went on to tell her Andrew was in the hospital and all the details that came. Those are moments you swear you've seen on TV or in a movie but then all of a sudden you are thinking to yourself, this is really happening right now! Very surreal.
Saturday November 19, 2011
We woke up Saturday morning pretending it was going to be a normal day. I'm not really sure what we did that morning but we had lunch, put Sonja down for her nap and I was getting ready to attend my friend's baby shower. I literally opened my front door, took one step outside and my phone rang. Again, heart flutter, hesitation, thinking...I'm just going to not answer and go to this baby shower BECAUSE I JUST WANT EVERYTHING TO BE NORMAL. But alas, I answered within a few seconds and my mother was on the other line, crying, telling me the doctor told her that Andrew is quickly dying. I walked back inside, told my mom we'd be there soon and hung up the phone. I stood in the kitchen and let my head fall into the cupboard as I began to wail. Tyler was by my side and within one hour we had packed, woken Sonja from her nap and were in the car driving to Seattle. Tyler drove, the kids were stunned and confused in the backseat and I sat in the front with two phones - on the phone with family on one and looking up flights on the other. Nobody wanted to tell Sarah what was going on, as she was in the middle of finishing her fall quarter finals of freshmen year. I knew in my heart that she needed to know and be home, so I again had to make "the phone call" and had to carefully explain to my baby sister that she needed to pack her bags, not worry about her finals and please get to the airport because I was buying her a ticket to come home that night. Texts and phone calls were going out, altering friends and family to what was going on and by the time we got to Seattle my good friend was at my mom's to watch the kids so we could go to the hospital. Tyler and I made our way up to the hospital and bumped into family, friends, people coming to say their last goodbye. We all were stunned and couldn't believe that this "was it". Walking down that hall in the ICU and into his room and seeing him hooked up to every machine is again, something you will never forget. The room was dark and quiet, except for the beeps of the machines. We spent a few hours there, talking to Andrew, even though he was in and out of it. At some point I went home, nursed my baby then went back to the hospital. Rachel and Sarah were picked up from the airport late that night and when they arrived we all let out a huge sigh of relief. They made it. In time. Those moments were sacred. All of us together, as a family. Close friends came and we all stood around Andrew trying to make sense of it all. Next door to Andrew's room was a private family room they gave us, so my mom, sisters and I spent the night in the chair, couch and on the floor. We hardly slept but we couldn't leave. When I would drift to sleep I would awaken with a fright, wondering, "is he still here?". It was perhaps one of the longer nights of my life.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
First day of Pre-K & our weekend
Riley had her first day of preschool this morning! This year she is in the 4's class, MWF for 3 hours. She is at the same preschool as last year with the same teachers and mostly the same kids in her class. We have been so excited to start! This morning she just went for an hour then will start with her regular schedule on Friday. She was super excited, but a tad anxious as we were walking up and even grabbed my hand, which was so sweet and so unlike her. She had fun finding her bin then marched right into class, full of confidence and knowing exactly what to do next. She even hugged both her teachers, which she never does! When we picked Riley up she was happy to see us, but fairly quiet about how her first day went. Sonja was more than thrilled to see Riley. I think she was rather put off by the fact that she could not go to school with her! Little sister pretty much wants to be Riley, poor thing. Riley was pretty exhausted from the whole first day hype so we spent the afternoon playing around the house and I had the kids fed, bathed and in bed before 7pm tonight, a wonderful and much needed accomplishment :)
This last weekend was a busy one - we celebrated Sonja's birthday in more ways than one! I think I overdid it this year since I was feeling a bit anxious about how I would be feeling. I wanted to go overboard since last year I felt like my celebrations were shoved to the side for more important pressing matters such as a sick brother. We invited over our good friends for dinner that evening and had a fun and wild evening with the kids, basking in the amazing late summer weather we've been having. Here is a picture of most of the crazy kids
We also welcomed Melinda, Tylers mom, late Friday night for a weekend visit. She came to celebrate Sonja's birthday with us, as well as help with the kids while I ran in the Bellingham Traverse. We did this race 4 years ago with some friends when Riley was just 10 months old. We decided to get our team back together this year for another go at it. Tyler injured himself mountain biking about 6 weeks ago, so last minute decided to not do his leg. He found a last minute sub, so he ended up just cheering us on. The race consists of 5 legs and I did the 3.4 mile trail run. I had a blast doing it - the adrenaline from the race and the beautiful sunny Bellingham day made for a great experience. Here is a team photo - with the Youngs as well, since Kyle was our last minute sub (total ringer by the way!!! he pulled our team from nearly dead last after the first leg to middle of the pack!)
Saturday evening Tyler made us dinner and Melinda spoiled the girls with gifts. Here the girls are in their matching vest from great grandma Chris aka Grandma in the Bus
Sunday we drove to Seattle for a family party at my mom's house. We had a very casual and fun time hanging as a family. I love my family and love being around them. I have noticed, especially, in the last year that being around my family is refreshing and comforting, like a calming salve to my forever aching wound. They are the only people in the world that truly get it. And ps. Martha, Tyler and Henry just got back from a two week roadtrip to Yellowstone and the Tetons, so here Henry is showing off his new cowboy hat. Love this little man.
Again, happy 2nd birthday my sweet Sonja!
Friday, September 14, 2012
Sonja is TWO!
Happy Birthday to our silly, talkative and adorable little girl. The last two years have flown by. I remember her birth so clearly - a successful VBAC after just 6 hours of labor. We all fell so hard and fast for her. From the time she was born she was sweet and fairly easy going. We have loved to see her personality develop over this last year. She is completely physically motivated - she does not just walk down the stairs, she jumps. She climbs on top of everything and rarely does she fall. She has figured out how to maneuver her petite little body. She was very slow to talk, but at the beginning of the summer she went from just a few words to full sentences overnight. She loves to read, play with dolls and mostly just follow Riley around. Lately she has been behaving like a toddler - "no mommy, my do it" is what we hear all day long. She is definitely a mama's girl and loves for me to hold her and help me do my chores. She already has an opinion about many things - picking out her clothes just like Riley, ack!!!!
Probably one of the funnier things about her is her ability to make us laugh and make the craziest facial expressions. It is hard to capture on camera, so I don't have too many great pictures to prove this. Her middle name is Drew, after her Uncle Drew, and I think that she completely embodies the clown that Uncle Drew was. We love this about her. She couldn't be better suited to carry his name. Today, like most holidays, birthdays and anniversaries, I miss my brother. He was standing next to me when I gave birth to Sonja. An unexpected gift that we both gave to each other. Her last birthday he laid sick in bed for most of her party and this year he is gone. There are so many moments throughout my day that I'm watching Sonja act crazy and my heart aches because I can not text Andrew and tell him all about the funny thing she said. Miss you Andrew. You would love who Sonja is.
This morning we opened presents. She loves her new car and baby stroller!
Pictures on the front porch
We had a few of her girlfriends over for a playdate this morning. We had snacks, cupcakes and played!
Probably one of the funnier things about her is her ability to make us laugh and make the craziest facial expressions. It is hard to capture on camera, so I don't have too many great pictures to prove this. Her middle name is Drew, after her Uncle Drew, and I think that she completely embodies the clown that Uncle Drew was. We love this about her. She couldn't be better suited to carry his name. Today, like most holidays, birthdays and anniversaries, I miss my brother. He was standing next to me when I gave birth to Sonja. An unexpected gift that we both gave to each other. Her last birthday he laid sick in bed for most of her party and this year he is gone. There are so many moments throughout my day that I'm watching Sonja act crazy and my heart aches because I can not text Andrew and tell him all about the funny thing she said. Miss you Andrew. You would love who Sonja is.
This morning we opened presents. She loves her new car and baby stroller!
Pictures on the front porch
We had a few of her girlfriends over for a playdate this morning. We had snacks, cupcakes and played!
Thursday, September 6, 2012
September so far
I'm going to try and get back into this blogging thing slowly...I am learning in all areas of my life to take baby steps. But I do miss this space and sharing photos and writing out my thoughts. The summer has been full of so many idyllic summery moments but also a lot of brokenness and grief. I think I hit the bottom of my grief and have finally begun to take some healthy steps towards healing. It is a hard, hard process, but I have already started to experience the peace that comes with being honest and raw. My family and I are survivors - in more ways than just one - so I know we will keep marching forward. But I am learning that in order to march forward I have to stop and breathe and take care of myself.
Just a few pictures from this month so far...
On Labor Day we went for a long bike ride with the kids and ended up in Fairhaven for lunch, bookstore exploring and ice cream.
Riley & Sonja are playing together more and more each day. It is so fun to see! Riley LOVES to mother Sonja and insists on doing everything for her. It is adorable.
This nearly 5 year old starts her second year of preschool in less than 2 weeks!
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